Sleepless . . . Again

I haven't been sleeping.  I don't even remember the last time I had a full night's sleep.

I've never, ever been a good sleeper. It has never come easy, but this is so different.  I've blamed my thyroid (or lack thereof).  I've blamed seasonal allergies.  I've blamed gluten.  I've blamed the Mad Scientist's snoring. I've blamed being too cold at night, being too warm at night, back pain, leg twitches, the Dancing Queen coughing over the monitor . . . The list goes on and on.

Every night, something different keeps me awake. Melatonin no longer works.  I've taken the new ZZZ sleep, but it only lasts for about 4 hours, then I boing awake again. And in the morning, I'm so tired. By afternoon, I can barely function.

Is my lack of sleep directly correlated to my lack of writing here?  I've wanted to write; felt I've needed to write, but I have nothing.  I'm holding everything in.  But the weird thing is, I don't feel like I'm holding things in.  I don't lay awake worrying.  I don't think about what-ifs.  I just lay there.  Nothing.

It's true that the Dancing Queen turned 6 a couple of weeks ago, an age I never imagined for her when she was a baby.

And we are now a year out from admitting DQ to hospice, from learning she only had a handful of years left.

Am I depressed?  Am I feeling anticipatory grief?  How can I be?  The Dancing Queen has looked SO good lately.  I know looks on the outside mean nothing, but she just seems to be a little better.

Perhaps denial on my part is hurting me and keeping me from feeling.  I just don't know, but I want to sleep and feel rested.